Did you knock at my door?
Shall I entertain the thought of us;
maybe we will dance,
maybe we will fly.
How will I know...
Maybe I am knocking on your door?
Do you hear me?
The curiosity brings on the want,
the want brings on the need.
Are you there? Will you answer?
Let's dance, let's explore.
Something new....what are you!?
apartment I look upon her
My Maggie sits on her steps deep in thought
Just to see her lips move verbal oblivion
The moon observes her laugh and catches a glimmer in her eye
Maybe she has seen me, she obviously doesn’t care
Does she feel my pulse linger innocently
across her breast and waist?
An appropriate dance of strangers full of caffeine and nicotine
She inhales partial air and partial range
When she exhales my chest releases
The velvet-ness of her cigarette, so damn tranquil
I don’t obsess over her
In simplistic she’s my escape, my own personal mystery, a tender silent puzzle
If she would just sit there as if she doesn’t see me I would gaze into her soul
“Look right through me, don’t move, I just want to scrutinize you”
Unsure if she’s a Maggie, not too concerned about it
Her Virtues and Vices are no association to me
My curiosity of her body shouldn’t be pleased
Just to see her breath is more than enough
You fail and boost me at the same time.
You will not control me, I will thrive.
Your dirty creation has left me dependant.
I need to forget your strength.
....I must remember mine.
You are filthy.
Driven by ego and greed.
I hate that I crave you.
Want you. Need you.
Will you ride with me?
Pack light, phone off, windows down, deep conversation with me?
Will you laugh when we get pulled over, when the road is closed, and when the wind steals our hats?
Will you help me stay awake, will you be my DJ, will you tell me to slow down?
Will you ride with me?
No reservations only destinations with me?
every puppy-dog look,
every open ended sentence.
A grown man seeking attention is most unattractive.
Don't wave your drama like a flag -
I won't salute you.
Don't ask me questions that you will answer -
I won't listen.
Don't lie about your passion just to connect with me -
I see through your shit.
We all have a path, a career, a pain, a story -
Don't beg for attention.
There is enough people who actually need honest love who don't ask for anything.
You inspire me to be better.
Perfection you don't expect.
Just to be soulful, loving, and open.
You ask that I refrain from reservations and doubts.
I suffer from self-inflicted wounds brought on by listening to others.
I suffer from over-promising by not being in the now.
So I will not promise, I will not over-sleep.
I will be the best me I can be.
I will look inward to ensure I an open for your love.
This anniversary of our soul-agreement is precious in action and strong in spirit.
My skin is a thin piece of cloth
over weak tissue and failing bones.
My skin is sensitive to impact
protecting the best it knows how.
Light and beautiful.
Smooth and scarred.
This large canvas plays it's roll...
to cover my soul here on earth.
Dark clouds were coming and love couldn't stop it.
The silence was piercing as the storm was growing.
Logic was no sun.
Affection was no shelter.
The glum was loss of valuable time.
The weather man knew it when he looked in my eyes.
Hold your heart tight inside your home.
She will soon past....
....just like before.
Everyone had the same layout and the same two steps in front of the same front door.
The teacher lady across the courtyard always peaked out her blinds.
The 6 year old twins would leave their toys about.
The single old man listened to the news too loud.
And we decided to call it home.
On the steps in front of the door we sat and celebrated with a cheap cigar and a box of wine.
The lady slammed her window, the twins were sound asleep, and the old man tipped his hat.
Our music was the harmony of crickets and a California sunset.
Our conversations included silence and soul-searching.
I can still smell the apartment and it's innocent walls.
On the steps in front of the door we sat and made memories.
I, a young know-it-all who needed security but suffered from boredom, and you,
a teddy-bear of a man longing for Johnny and June kind-of-love.
Evening tea, record's playing, incense burning, and our soul's grew bigger than our tiny one bedroom.
Two September's past and the teacher lady never talked to us, the twins were now in little-league, and the old man hadn't aged a day.
On the steps in front of the door we were worlds away.
You, the sweetest man.
The crickets weren't enough for me - the security couldn't keep me.
On the steps in front of the door I kissed you no more.
The teacher lady, the twins, and the old man watched as we broke our home.
It was a small complex. Too small to keep me.
I’ve rolled my eyes at its over-used betrayal and embraced its less frequent silent moments. I’ve questioned its ability to overcome doubt, fear, hate, solitude, and errors. I compare its strength to my weak hands and imagine that I will only drop it. It’s a word that I don’t understand and yet I plunged into the sea to ‘find’.
They say it’s a feeling not an emotion. They say it’s a necessity to mention and a burden to bare. I thought it was a verb but the intention of one’s action is circumstantial at best. Some demand attention in the name of its decent. Some use it as a weapon but one must ask – is that possible? If this word is joy, peace, unconditional, positive, and uplifting how can one use it as a weapon?
In my child’s eye’s it’s all she knows. In my eyes it’s all I’ve lost. In my mother’s eyes it’s all she wants. We look to my mother’s mother and wish it’s all she had. We freeze in the reality that people grow, people hurt, and people leave and we long for its comfort.
There is a problem in our understanding of this word. We try to ‘find’ it as if it’s a reward and not already in us. We expect it versus give it. We attempt to mold sand into our vision of what it is. We believe others are somehow doing it more ‘right’ or ‘better’. We feel compiled to adapt to it the way our father’s did before. We fail to first find it in ourselves without the influence of the projection of others.
I know who my parents wants me be to (I think), I know who my friend's think I am, I know what my guilt and inner-demons want me to be, I know what my teachers expected out of me, I know what my enemies think of me, and I know to my dog I am the best person in the world! But after swimming in the ocean of life searching for P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way I'm not convinced even Sydney has the answer. So, I buckled down!
When asking this question in the past I would divert and cover up the real topic with 'What do I want?' In turn always being disappointment and usually chasing a rabbit through some maze. Therefore, I stay on task - Who am I?
I am a girl who hates explaining myself but often find it helpful to defend off the people who try to answer it for me. I am a girl who loves meeting random people who feed off positive energy and although I may never see them again, we get to share a moment in time that will never be repeated. I am a girl who at times cries just because I miss being an innocent child. I am a girl who at times wants to murder those people who took my innocence too soon. I am a girl who rather look with emotion then talk with words. I am a girl who blames too many things on my up-bringing. I am a girl who will open a door for anyone but then flip you off if you don't say 'Thank You'. I am a girl who refuses to be told what to do - I literally take offensive to it. I am a girl who gets crabby when I am misunderstood. I am a girl who needs a lot of alone time not because I don't like people but because it gives me clarity from the inside out. I am a girl that battles with the characteristics in people that remind me of the vices in myself. I am a girl who battles with work-discipline and patience. I am a girl who knows I'm beautiful. I am a girl who can rock stilettos or converse in the same day. I am a girl who knows how to take advantage of most situations to get what I want. I am a girl who knows that I should stop doing that. I am a girl who is really loyal to my close friends. I am a girl who drops people quickly when I don't feel emotionally protected. I am a girl who misses her Papa because he seemed to slow life down. I am a girl who needs to be around positive light people because I take on the energy of other’s too easily. I am a girl who needs a patio, a glass of wine, and music to feel alive. I am a girl who has become bitter towards my family and can’t seem to shake it. I am a girl that falls in love with a ‘person’ because of their soul not their gender. I am a girl who is amazed that people have healthy marriages longer than 30 years. I am a girl who knows I have talent but is too afraid to be critiqued. I am a girl who is powered by water not sun. I am a girl who attempts not to need anyone but wants to be needed. I am a girl who put her identity in Northern California Farmers Markets, playing cards with good friends, hilarious moments with people that get me, striving to be the person my soul mates needs me to be, and staying true to my artistic side. I am a girl who had an ‘Old Soul’ but grew up. I am a girl who knows my potential is greater than my drive. I am a girl who needs silly. I am a girl who wants affirmation. I am a girl who needs someone to call me out on my attitude in a loving matter. I am a girl who is by no means perfect but wants someone to remind that doesn’t matter. I am a girl who will go to any length to help unless you make it an obligation. I am a girl who is still not sure if I want to be someone’s mother. I am a girl who questions absolutes unless it comes in the form of Vodka. I am a girl who despite all my self-induced pain knows there is still time to love and to be loved.
Amanda Palmer was recently featured on TED (see video). She took my day from dull to enlightened in her nearly 14 minutes speech. As an artist, I find myself in a place of ‘where the heck do I start’ and she answers all my questions with one - 'human connection'. She is a lovely woman, amazing artist, and beautiful soul. Please give her some love.
Dr. Alison Bremner holds many purposes in my life; friend, inspiring professional, health coach, and mirror of my free-spirit. As a friend for many years I knew the profession she was in and she knew how much I needed her knowledge and care. Slowly, she chipped away at my worldly robotic mind and opened a new world of health and recovery. For the last year I have been following a lifestyle from the planted seed years ago during our late night coffee dates. She is the reason and encouragement behind my recent series Share the Health. If you are in Colorado and need a health transformation please contact this wonderful friend of mine. If you are further away, you can still receive a great deal of information off her blog!
Last but not least is a person whose writing has touched levels that some can't experience in their lifetime. She has a way with words that make a person eager to unpeel each layer and find the core of her soul. Although many have tried she is a creature all her own. I have a vested interest in the well-being and success of her life as I don't believe a soul as gifted as hers can be caged. Her blog touches on silly life happenings, poetry, bitter struggles, happy endings, and normalcy all at the same time. Visit Series of Lefts!
Share the Health - Introduction
Share the Health - Stress
I’m sure a health expert could add more to this list but, geez, if you need more than 3 of the above reasons to get off your ass - then this post will not help!
- It’s too much work!
- Right! Because our ancestors got anywhere in life by sitting on their ass and wishing their way into this country – don’t get me started
- It’s not for me!
- What’s not for you? A crowded gym, softball, walking your dog, spin class, Wii games, hiking with a friend, playing soccer with your kid, or biking to the store? I’ve only listed a few and if none of them strike an interest then stop reading and call Jillian – I can’t help you!
- I can’t afford it!
- Do something for me – add up your lattes, alcohol, Rx drugs, impulse buys at Target, and the Oreos in your pantry and then give me another excuse! Listen, if you still don’t have money for a gym then don’t buy it! Google is a powerful tool for finding something you can do at home, buy a DVD (your latte cost the same), walk the dog, softball league, free resources (city park), and playing with your kids is always priceless (not to mention good for them)!
- I didn’t see results!
- Based on what I’ve read it takes a continuous work out of 12 weeks to see substantial results (Biggest Loser aside). Remember, losing inches is not the only reason for exercise – I will argue that you will ‘feel’ a change (energy, ambition, endurance, or metabolism) before you ‘see’ it (inches).
- No time!
- Before you use this excuse, ask you self how much time you are spending on non-life-changing task’s, other than your life responsibilities (hint: social media). If you still find yourself at a loss for time, my only statement is no one in the world woke up to find a box of time on their doorstep! Get creative!
Back to me! After years of getting nowhere fast I changed my way of thinking. Bare with my stupid simple logic:
Here are a few things to know about Melaleuca:
1. These people were authentically 'green' before it was a fad.
2. Calling themselves 'The Wellness Company' is proven in the process of making their products and in-turn eliminating the question of 'what is in the bottles under my kitchen sink"?
3. Products are: Nutrition, Medicines, Beauty, Household, and Bath/Body.
4. Melaleuca is a membership based business. So although I can give you access to the main site you will need to become a member to see more.
Their new shake power has claimed to assist with healthier weight loss, better appetite control, less fatigue, and improves blood sugar.
Inside the product:
- Oligo Chromium: Supports diets deficient in chromium and is necessary for proper carbohydrate metabolism.
- Cinnamon bark extract: Helps support healthy glucose levels
- Korean red ginseng root: Helps support balanced glucose uptake
- Mulberry extract: Helps lower the glycemic index of food
- Green tea leaf extract: Promotes healthy insulin activity
- Sweet potato extract: Helps support healthy fasting blood glucose levels
1 cup of ice
1/2 cup Almond Milk
1/2 scoop of GC Control Creamy Chocolate Fusion
Result: Not bad at all!
Pro: Great prep to a work out and taste like a good chocolate/banana shake.
Con: Product contains soy and milk (which is why I did 1/2 scoop) also contains ingredients I can't pronounce (also against my nutruition lifestyle).
Share the Health - Introduction
Stress - It’s safe to say everyone rolls their eyes at this category. At some point in our adult life we have shrugged our shoulders in accepting stress as a ‘way of life’. Life will always happen, planned or not, but just like Epictetus tell us "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." To transform into a health topic, I tell you “It’s not life’s happenings that is causing you illness, but how you react that will save you.”
Q. I can’t seem to relax! A. Your SNS has dominated and your PNS can not kick in without help. (Help - AKA Stress Reduction Techniques)
1. No need for recipes! Throw good things together!
2. #1 works 75% of the time. Sometimes experimenting makes the juice too bitter or sweet so grab some simple recipes when you want something new.
3. One Pear added makes everything delicious.
4. I need a juicer with less clean-up!
5. My juicer doesn't add bananas - ugh
6. More energy less of the 'starving' feeling.
7. It's the only way I will eat carrots, cucumber, and celery all in one day.
8. The color is not always appetizing.
9. The 'left over' pulp in the juicer is great for a garden.
10. Despite the mess - it's really fun!
My favorite recipe so far:
Before I dive into my findings I want to first explain my idea of health and the habits that got us (America) to be unhealthy. Here is my disclaimer for those who do not know my journey thus far; I am not a health professional and the following is only based on my journey. My conclusions are based on my own research, education from my personal wellness professionals, and years of trial and error. I believe every ‘body’ is different and what has worked for me might or might not work for you, however the principles will. I also believe getting healthy should not be a burden. I don’t believe in dieting and what I am sharing is my ‘lifestyle’ not a ‘diet’. I measure my own health based on 1. Energy to accomplish my tasks 2. Mental Function 3. Positive Living 4. My body’s ability to keep moving and 5. Pain level maintained under 3 (scale 1-10). Notice my health is not based off my waist line! My theory is “Becoming healthy is the action – looking great is the side effect”!
It says ‘green’ on the bottle..?
It’s a popular drug so it must be okay…?
“The doctor said I’m going to have to get used to it.”
Can I avoid it even though it’s ‘hereditary’?
Is this symptom a medical symptom or mental stress disguised?
What is the purpose of food?
What is the purpose of medical drugs?
Is my doctor surgery happy?
Are any/all vitamin supplements good for me?
Is my brain talking to the rest of my body correctly?
Is this bottle of Windex hurting me?
He is a Dr. but what was he taught in school?
Should I be a vegetarian?
How many chemicals are in this ‘healthy’ cereal?
Eating healthy does not have to be expensive?!
Who is in charge of my body?
"I have a "carpe diem" mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet." Joanne Sherman
I went to target yesterday and browsed the back end-caps, which by the way if you didn't know is where the best sales are located. I found two coffee mugs! Any normal person would say 'cute' and walk past but what I saw was totally different. You see, I am in a position in my life where my days consist of looking for signs, wondering why I woke up, and attempting to bring my experiences to life in an 'assignment'. Let me also give you a little insight on the word 'assignment', it means book. I could say 'book' but then I get the feeling of having to compare mine to every other self proclaimed writer and then I think of Barnes & Noble and think of loud kinds screaming in the store and then I get overwhelmed and end up walking out empty-handed. I could use the word 'novel' but it makes me think of 'long' 'torturous' and 'mind-numbing' and based on my story-line it does not fit the definition of a novel. So I say 'assignment'. Assignment makes me feel like I am on a mission to fill a void, if you will. Assignment says I am accountable to fulfill this project as a student to a teacher.
I digress...back to the cups.
The red-tagged buck ninety-eight coffee mugs screamed encouragement. They were the sledgehammer to my writers block. For those who do not know I am a calculated, organized, structured thinker who parallels list-writing and coffee in the same importance. Therefore, writing this assignment has challenged my way of thinking. I have some written in my blog, some in my journal, some on a legal notepad, and the latest written on a napkin. Although, I am trilled to bring this part of my life to life I am nervous to speak of it o tell people where my madness is coming from. I've only been at this for a few weeks and I quickly understand the writer's mind-fuck. I've always been a very strong imaginative person so when embarking on this journey of capturing words that I have experience on paper I quickly walk a fine line between the 'now' and the emotion of writing the past. I also keep this assignment to myself and only three others as I don't want to inhibit the progress of the excitement and keep my will to move forward.
My purchase were little encouragements shaped as caffeine holders. Nothing gets better than that. I brought them home washed them up and like any other crazy person I just rested them on the counter. I didn't touch them and I certainly didn't put coffee in them. They were perfect and I knew at this point I was perfectly crazy. This is the best part...I don't care. I haven't been this in touch with my creative skills in years and my mind is about to explode with sentences and metaphors that haven't even scratched the surface of my intentions for this assignment. Coffee mugs, rabbits foot, maneki-neko, or a lucky penny I don't care how this mission is fulfilled I just know I am here to do so.